Thursday, March 6, 2014

How to make a deer angry...

I remember looking at my clock. 1:34 am. An unattractive hour to be sure.
There was some very dramatic pandemonium involving the dog and the husband downstairs.
So like any normal human being, I went back to sleep.

I asked the husband the next morning.
"What happened last night?"
"Titan scared a deer."

Titan is our German Shepherd. He's got some neuroses but hey, who doesn't? He's been part of our family since before the Eldest was born.

And he's a senior citizen. Emphasis on senior.

His hearing is selective. I think. 

His seeing is also selective. I think.

And if by chance my thinking is off, he's deaf and blind. And the husband would argue, occasionally dumb.

He can sometimes manage stairs, and other times he plays the helpless victim. He's a piece of work, this dog. But he's got a heart of gold and he really loves the husband.

So on either side of our front porch we have these deep planters. It's like a three foot drop into the planter from the porch. Because the husband is who he is, most of the vegetation in these planters has been removed or cut back. He likes things tidy and these planters were anything but when we first moved in.

So now these planters sit rather lonely, empty, and terribly inviting since they are also out of the weather.

In addition, I feel it's also important to note that in the last several weeks, the husband has also seen fit to remove and cut down a lot of the ground brush on our property. Apparently the husband discovered that we have very amorous deer who have been using these overgrown areas for, ummm, making baby deer.

The husband has taken a personal offense to this and has waged a small-scale war on baby deer-making on our property.

I know. First-world problems.

But since he can solve these with chain saws and fire it's all good. And I think it makes him happy. The husband. Not the deer.

In fact, I think the deer are angry.

Titan sleeps by the front door. At 1:32 he started whining and fretting and pacing.

It's annoying when he starts with this. To put it mildly. Part of that neuroses thing.

 My husband, thinking that Titan had to use the facilities, opened the front door at 1:33.

At which time several things happened simultaneously.

Titan slipped, slid, and stormed out the front door. Not only do stairs give him some trouble, but getting up quickly and finding purchase on hardwood floors gives him some trouble, too, thus the slipping and sliding. Hazards of being old.

In all his slipping drama, he knocked the front door wide open which caused the bells the girls have hung on the door knob to jingle, jangle, and crash to the floor with another louder cacophonous jingle-jangle.

This is what woke me up at 1:34.

The door hit the wall and then slowly swung back closed--which was fortunate only in that it kept the deer from storming the castle, so to speak. Because then I wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep. And that would have been quite the inconvenience.

The poor deer who had foolishly made her bed down in one of those planters was rudely awakened and terribly disoriented by our elderly dog who really didn't have to use the facilities at all.

Instead, Titan lost the few marbles he had left because there was a deer right there for the taking and he was freaking out, in the way only a dog can who has the hindquarters of a deer right there in front of him, the mind of a 16 year old saying "get it," and the body of a 95 year old which completely dictates the speed and agility with which he can't move.

Not that Titan would know what to do with the deer if he actually had the deer...and really, he's's more about the idea of the deer than actually gaining possession of the deer. But there he was, completely freaking out...

And his freak out caused that deer to have a major panic attack.

Ever wonder what a deer having a panic attack might look like?

Yeah, me neither. But the husband could sure tell you.

So the deer is trying to get out of the planter. The dog is trying to get into the planter to get the deer, but he's old so imagine an arthritic, hunched over, very elderly gentleman who may also be partially deaf and somewhat blind trying to catch a squirrel and that might resemble what this scenario may have looked like. Meanwhile, the husband is trying to get the dog, stay away from the deer, and get in the house. But the dog is now selectively deaf and the deer is in the flight part of "fight or flight" so the husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or a dog and a deer. Take your pick.

The only successful thing was the deer who managed to avoid the arthritic jaws of the dog, get out of the planter, and then managed to knock that crazy loud dog right over because the dog is now selectively dumb and didn't get out of the way.

I think it was out of spite, but who really knows the mind of a deer.

Unfortunately, the husband was in the way because he was trying to hold on to the dumb deaf dog who'd been knocked over by the deer. So the deer mowed him down next as she was trying to make her escape because why wouldn't you knock over the guy who cut down your frolicking grounds? I mean really, how insensitive.

And then she disappeared into the starry, moonless night. Probably to plot her next attack. Or to find a less chaotic bed.

Deer               1
The Husband 0

Did I mention that I think we have angry deer?

This morning, the husband was walking down to check his burn pile from yesterday.
As I was driving down the driveway, I noticed three deer hanging out by the pile of ash. 

You know, in protest because he cut down their love nest.

I rolled down my window, held up three fingers, pointed down the hill, watched the husband pull up short and cautiously fix his approach, chuckled, and drove away.

Grace always Rises {yep, even with angry deer},


  1. Oh boy! The joys of country living. Poor ole Titan boy. Got a chuckle out of this story…thanks for sharing Jamie.

  2. This is hilarious! We have deer around a lot but never that close to the house.
    Makes me miss our German Shepherd.
    Thanks for the laugh.