Today my babies turn 4.
I was 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant with thirteen and a half pounds of baby.
I was 37 weeks and 1 day into a life-changer, a life-shaker. Filled with grace and hope. Bursting to push them forth into this bright, noisy, beautiful world so I could touch these little people I had grown inside for 37 weeks and 1 day.
These little people I had fallen in love with.
Four years ago.
I labored hard one journey and began another.
One that I have needed much help on along the way.
One where I have learned I do not have to know it all, be it all, or do it all.
One where God has taught me grace and forgiveness and redemption and mercy.
One where I have laughed much and cried much and hoped much and loved much.
I have discovered motherhood is a state of being.
It's not a place you end up because you had a kid. It's a mindset that you grow in to. I spent the first year after I had the Eldest growing in to being a mom. It was not pretty and it was not easy. I spent the first year as a mom of three figuring out how not to lose one, figuring out how exactly to keep three kids fed and watered, realizing that my laundry had just tripled, and learning just how little sleep one actually needed to survive.
Motherhood is the journey.
The beautiful, hard, sometimes not so pretty journey we embark on to grow our kids.
I spent a few years believing it was the place you ended up at, the end all-be all, the glorious arrival gate you disembarked at when you brought your baby home.
I was misinformed.
That was just the starting gate.
Four years ago.
There's something about this birthday that strikes me different.
I remember when the Eldest turned five and I thought, Now we're getting somewhere.
But it's not five. It's four and I'm thinking, Now we're getting somewhere.
Maybe it's because there's two. Maybe it's because I'm a nerd and there's symmetry with two and four and they were born on April 2 which is the fourth month
and there's two of them and they are turning four.
Maybe it's because I can look back and see so much of God's grace on my journey and I find myself so thankful. Thankful that I have three beautiful girls and a crazy life and they have a daddy who dotes and who disciplines and a dog who puts up with their princess crowns and horseplay.
Thankful that I have a God who sees and knows all of me...even the ugly parts...and loves me anyway. And loves me enough to lead me on roads where I'm changed.
Thankful for the friends who held a baby, fed a baby, burped a baby, and got a shirt full of reflux as payment and then dared to come back and do it again.
Thankful for my family who loved me even when I was rotten and sleep deprived and snarky and saved me from myself on more than one occasion.
Thankful for the little Christ followers I see growing in the hearts of my little people. Thankful for how they look at the world because it fills my heart to overflowing.
It is well with my soul.
I'm thankful for the hard days because they make me appreciate the good days even more. For the sleepless nights spent feeding a baby or walking a baby because they won't ever be babies like that again.
Thankful for the endless bottle feedings and bowls of baby cereal and mashed up bananas because there's no more bottles or baby cereal or mashed up bananas...
well maybe we still have mashed up bananas, but I don't do the mashing.
Thankful for the sweet baby smell and the sweet baby sleep and the sweet baby sounds.
Because now there's little kid smell which is sweet in a different way
because it grows proportionally to the amount of sunshine they take in.
And now there's little kid sleep which sometimes is fraught with anxiety and trouble
or it's lovely and peaceful and deep.
And now there's little kid sounds which mostly make me laugh
and sometimes make me cry.
This isn't really how I saw my life going.
I didn't think I would be a mom of a set of twins or three daughters.
But where we end up is rarely where we saw ourselves going.
And to be honest, I'm so glad.
I'm so grateful that I'm here and not where I thought I would be.
I'm so grateful I'm up to my eyeballs in laundry and homework and projects and temper tantrums and dishes and cleaning and princess dresses and drama.
Sure there are days when I want to disappear.
But then one will say something about wanting real pixie dust or
if the emblem in the center of my steering wheel is for when my car goes underwater like Lucy's in Despicable Me 2 and I laugh till I cry and
I'm. just. so. grateful.
It is well with my soul.
God's plan is always the good one. There's always good and grace and joy and enough.
Always enough. Maybe not enough of what we think we need.
But enough of Him. Enough of Grace.
And maybe four means so much because they have taught me so much.
And it has been hard and it has been overwhelming and it has been...beautiful.
Happy Birthday My Sweet Girls.
Grace Always Rises,